Communicating and Managing Adding a New Partner

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Justin Lehmiller, a Social Psychologist, wrote this article.

The most common sexual fantasies are threesomes.

tips for having successful threesome

More than 4,000 Americans were surveyed about their most intimate thoughts to create my book.Tell me about what you need and one of the key things I discovered when I looked at people’s biggest sexual fantasy of all time was that threesomes were mentioned more often than anything else.

Additionally, people were hesitant to answer my questions about whether or not they have had a baby. Ever 89% of those who dreamed about having a trio have done it. This included the majority of women and men as well as non-binary people.

Threesomes are a popular fantasy theme but few people have ever experienced one in real-life. According to The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, about 1 in 5 men and 1 in 10 women say they’ve had a threesome.

This big gap between fantasy and reality isn’t surprising because a lot of people don’t really know how to go about having multi-partner sex. It’s hard to get a group of people together. And how do you figure out who’s supposed to do what with whom and when? Many just don’t have a script for how these encounters are supposed to go, so they may find the idea of acting on these fantasies to be a bit intimidating.

Not to be forgotten, some people who indulge in group sex fantasies experience less satisfying experiences. My research has shown that threesomes are the most popular sexual fantasy but they are also the least likely to succeed.

Part of the reason for this is due to all of that uncertainty I mentioned—but it’s also because people sometimes find themselves feeling jealous or insecure in these situations, especially if they go in with a romantic partner. Then there’s also the fact that most people fantasize about being the center of attention in a threesome. It can create tension if everyone wants to be the focal point.

However, threesomes can be a rewarding and enjoyable experience for many. How can you increase your chances of a positive outcome in threesomes? These are three ways to navigate sexual activities that involve more than one person.  

1. Communicate before and during the act, as well as after it.

You must have good sexual communication skills if you plan to take part in any type of group sex. And it’s important to communicate at all stages of the act—and especially if you’re going into one of these situations with a romantic partner.

It is important to communicate your expectations and limits. Are there any activities you are not allowed to do? If you would like to have rules regarding follow-up contact with third parties to manage jealousy or other perceived threats to your relationship,

Talk through your concerns and come up with a rule set—and be sure to stick to them to ensure everyone’s comfort and safety.

You might also consider establishing a “safeword,” which is a word or phrase you can invoke any time things move past your comfort zone. People aren’t always good at predicting how they’ll feel in future situations, so it can be useful to have an exit strategy in place just in case things don’t go according to plan or if someone crosses a line.

During the act itself, it’s important that you feel comfortable expressing what you want—and also that you pay attention to what other people are communicating. Remember that a lot of sexual communication is non-verbal, so be attentive to your partners’ body language, and if anyone seems uncomfortable, slow down and check in with them.

Talking about the event afterwards can also prove useful. What did you enjoy and what did you dislike? What would you change next time?

Sometimes, it takes some time to realize how to act on a sexual fantasyland and make sure everyone gets what they want.

2. Set your expectations aside

People usually have pretty high expectations when it comes to acting out their sexual fantasies, whether they’re about threesomes or something else. This makes sense, especially if we’re talking about a fantasy that you’ve had for a very long time or something that is your go-to fantasy during sex or masturbation.

If you expect the unexpected and believe that everything will go as you imagined, you could end up disappointed.

Let those expectations become a reality. Recognize that there’s going to be a learning curve, that unexpected things might happen, and that you might feel things you don’t anticipate feeling.

It’s not uncommon for threesomes and group encounters to produce mixed emotions. You might feel jealousy or anxious when you see your partner get attention from someone else. Even if you don’t think of yourself as the jealous type, you might not really know how you’ll feel until you’re actually in the situation.

You should temper your expectations, and be open to the possibility that your reality might not mirror your fantasies.

3. Do your research and plan for the future

Uncertainty is one of the biggest things that holds us back from acting on our fantasies, so it’s important to do some research and planning in advance so that we can feel more confident and prepared when the time comes.

You might find it useful to do some background research. For anyone interested in group sex, I recommend the following book:The Ethical Slut. This book is an invaluable guidebook for those who want to improve their relationships and/or explore group sexual activities. You will find many useful tips, ideas and suggestions for improving your sexual communication skills as well as strategies to resolve any potential conflicts.

You might also consider the following guidebook:The Jealousy WorkbookThe book contains exercises to help you manage the feelings of jealousy that may arise from couples sharing their relationships.

In addition to preparing mentally, think about how you’re going to prepare physically, too. Specifically, consider steps for protecting your sexual health if you’re going to be interacting with multiple sexual partners.

You should also consider contraceptives in the event of unintended pregnancy. You might want to use a combination of condoms and dental dams to prevent HPV and hepatitis.

In other words, consider your sexual health needs and the best way to manage them.

Look ahead

While threesomes can not always be what you expect, they can still be extremely enjoyable and rewarding experiences that can enrich your romantic and sexual lives.

There are many steps you can take to make reality more like your dreams.

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