Female Dominants Unmask the Term

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Femdom is often conjured as a stereotypical image of a sadistic, dominant, strict female wearing a latex corset, high boots, and whipping her way to death. 

Yes, Mistress!

gentle femdom

However, the mind can be confused if it is put in front of this term.

The term “gentle femdom” (or GFD for short) may seem like a dichotomy, with “gentle” being on one end of the spectrum and “femdom” on the opposite. After all, femdom (a term that arose in the 80s to define dominant women in BDSM porn) means female dominance, or one “who takes charge during consensual sex acts involving power, pain, or humiliation.” Oxford Dictionary further defines a dominatrix (another word for femdom) as “a dominating woman, especially one who takes the sadistic role in sadomasochistic sexual activities” or “​a woman who controls a man during sex, often using violence to give sexual pleasure.”

In the above references, we see no words to describe “gentle” femdom. However, femdom is as multifaceted as BDSM. It encompasses a variety of nuances and playing styles, fetishes and relationships within the BDSM dynamic. Some are gentler than others.

So what is gentle femaledom? And how is it different from the stereotypical portrayals of female dominants in media and porn. 

To understand gentle femdom, I asked Mistress Carol and Ms. Ava Durga to explain the term and discuss their lives and work in the broader BDSM scene. 

Learn more from these unique perspectives what gentle femdom looks like.

Domina Doll: “So what IS gentle femdom?”

Mistress Carol “What exactly is gentle femdom?  I’m not sure I know…  I’m a kind, compassionate person, so maybe this side of my personality is the gentle femdom side. To me, it’s just a label or a way of putting someone in a certain role. BDSM is flexible and multifaceted. Labels tend to limit your exploration and identity.”

Ms. Ava: “I’d say gentle femdom acts as an affectionate leader or owner for a submissive. Her sub serves her from a place of devotion and desire, or a drive for acceptance and self-improvement, unlike obedience that’s imposed through force or humiliation. It’s collaborative under the surface… an elegant give and take that benefits both partners.”

Domina Doll: “How does gentle femdom relate to your domming style?”

Ms. Ava: “My demeanor is accepting, affectionate, encouraging, playful, and protective. With a personal partner, it’s also very sensual and teasing.

A partner once said it felt like “being embraced by a Goddess rather than straightjacketed by a diva.” I like that.

It’s devotion without demanding. It is a gift that they offer as a service, and not as a way to force them or make them feel bad. They will return the favor by offering service as a gift. [the submissives] receive emotional safety, guidance, and a partner to explore various fantasies with.”

Mistress Carol “Although I’ve professionally “dommed” with other ladies in paid sessions, this is not generally my line of work. I’m a hypnotist and I love creating “mental journeys” into my world for others to enjoy.

But, I don’t believe in humiliation or mental pain. It is contrary to my principles and beliefs.  That doesn’t decrease the effectiveness of my domination nor do I scoff at those who enjoy giving it or receiving it.”

Domina Doll: “In what ways, do you use gentle domming in your play or relationships?”

Mistress Carol “I create erotic hypnosis and there are all types of men who listen to my work. My work is usually assertive and dominant. However, I sometimes adjust the experience to make it more comfortable for those who are truly uncomfortable with full-on femdom.  

In my daily life I’m not always sitting in my femdom persona and use it for partner BDSM experiences and harder core erotic hypnosis creations. It would be exhausting to be there full time.”

Ms. Ava: “The physical play isn’t always gentle, but the psychology is always soft. I rarely raise my voice. Even when impact play is used (spanking or caning, paddling or flogging), I rarely raise my voice.), it’s administered for physical pleasure, for playful “punishment,” or to facilitate an altered state of consciousness—not to express disapproval. I may pat their backs and sweet talk them between strokes. I will not inflict pain but withdraw my attention if someone disappoints me.

I don’t ‘force’ anyone to do anything… I don’t even like it in role play. It’s against my nature and personal philosophy—strange as that may sound from a domme. I make them into better, happier men by guiding from a place of loving authority and paying attention to what makes them tick.”

Domina Doll: “What types of gentle femdom play do you and your play partner(s) enjoy exploring together?”

Ms. Ava: “In a personal relationship, I love service and devotion. Extreme chivalry. Body worship. Denial and tease. Play with impact. Think about the unexpected. Protection. Mutual appreciation. Daily life is enriched by a sense of playfulness and affection. A focus on my happiness that’s reciprocal. You can keep the passion alive with enough distance and novelty. Think of traditional romance on steroids, with a few kinky twists.”

Mistress Carol “On days I’m feeling less physical, I love to use hypnosis in our femdom play.  No bindings, no floggers or externally applied devices are used. A hypnosis session is gentle, loving, deep, and open. It can also be beneficial for creating a stronger bond between players. Although, after a good long trance I can’t help but reach for the nipple clamps to snap him out of it.”

Domina Doll: “In your opinion, how is “gentle femdom” different than other types of BDSM play?”

Mistress Carol “You can participate in all sorts of BDSM activities while being gentle with your partner or you can turn up the heat and push limits. Femdom is gentle or not.

Engaging in D/splay or BDSM can strengthen couples in any capacity they choose.  You can experience a great deal of trust, growth and joy in this area. Communication and acceptance are key. Accept new ideas. You might discover you enjoy getting “kinky”.”

Ms. Ava: “I’d say it’s more about the attitude than particular activities. Rather than a D/s dynamic based on fear of pain or disapproval, it’s rooted in mutual affection and a drive to please without power struggles or harsh punishments.”

Domina Doll: “What would you say to others in the kink community who don’t think gentle femdom is “real” BDSM, because it doesn’t involve physical or mental pain, including harsh punishments and humiliation?”

Ms. Ava: “The DS in BDSM stands for dominance and submission, which is unquestionably what this is. A dom-sub relationship doesn’t have to involve sadomasochism (SM) and bondage and discipline (BD) to fall under the BDSM umbrella.

The trouble is the public’s image of femdoms. Porn promotes the idea that female dominants are domineering control freaks who get their submissives wet, forcing them to their knees. Because the porn industry makes more stimulating visuals, the stereotype is reinforced. That style is popular with many. But the assumption that “real femdom” must be aggressive, forceful, and bossy in daily life can grow tiresome for those of us with a more subtle approach.”

Mistress Carol “That’s like comparing apples to oranges. Real BDSM doesn’t have to involve pain, punishment or humiliation. BDSM is what two (or more) consenting adults want it to be within the realm of “Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism”.  

Why is it we always have to label everything and react negatively when it doesn’t fit our preconceived opinions of what it should be? Just enjoy your own levels inside this huge world of experimentation.”

What then? IS Gentle Femdom?

To sum it up, gentle femdom can’t be characterized by one type of person or play style. The more people that you ask, the more definitions will you get.

However, it tends to be a more compassionate type of female dominance—a benevolent Goddess, mentor, teacher, or familiar  role. It is based upon intimacy, mutual pleasure and respect. Although it may involve elements of bondage, chastity and discipline, it is always done from a place that is supportive of the power dynamic rather than harsh disapproval and punishment. Extreme pain or humiliation are rare.

What Activities could you consider a part the Gentle Femdom Playset’s?

Again, any activity could be a part of the gentle femdom power dynamic, and would depend on both the partners’ particular interests and desires. 

There are common themes, however, such as feminization. You could also engage in BDSM play such as bondage, blindfolds and collaring, Queening and Pussy worship and foot fetishes. 

Gentle femdom means whatever you do.

Many thanks to all my Interview Guests

Ms. Ava Durga CircleofQ.com She is a professional dominant and specializes in counseling crossdressers (CDs), sissies and men who are exploring their feminine natures and sexuality. She works with women and their girlfriends to understand and support CD partners.

Mistress Carol EroticHypnosisForMen.com She is a dominatrix and erotic hypnotist as well as a clinical hypnotherapist. Praised as one of “the best in the industry,” Mistress Carol is an expert in controlling the mind and taking her clients into the deep surrender of erotic hypnosis, submission and male sexual fantasy.




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