It is the most important aspect in any relationship. Whenever we meet a new partner, we’re always eager to find out whether we’re compatible in the sheets.
We’re looking for that spark, that instant attraction to another person, where you can’t seem to get enough of each other and where you don’t need to talk about anything in bed because you both know what each of you likes.
However, the reality is that being sexually compatible doesn’t mean that you click in an instant, have the same libidos and sexual kinks. There is no one person that is exactly the same.
So, just like anything else in life, compatibility with your partner in bed needs to be worked on if you’re looking for longevity and happiness in your relationship.
What does it mean to be sexually compatible?
Some people believe being alive is the best thing. Sexually compatible It means to have the same sexual drive, sexual kinks and preferences as your partner. In other words, they think that they must be the same as their partner or otherwise, they’re not compatible.
Stan Hyman, a licensed psychotherapist and clinical sexologist. Says, “Being sexually compatible is about the way you and your partner relate to each other regarding sex. It is about how you both manage your sex lives together. It is more to do with your perspective on how the two of you feel about your differences.”
Sexual compatibility refers to your views on sex, the ability to communicate and experiment with each other and not having the exact same preferences about sexual activity.
This is great news as it helps relieve the pressure of finding the right partner.
When you have sex with someone new for the very first time, it’s not always perfect. Because you don’t know each other, there is a steep learning curve. It might not be wise to judge your partner as unfit or incompatible sexually. Instead, you should work together.
Science says that sexual compatibility is hard work
It’s probably not what you want to hear, but it’s true — great sex life in a relationship is hard work.
Sexual compatibility involves a great deal of effort and hard work, rather than just finding the right partner. Studies show It is more common for people to believe in working together to be sexually compatible than with their partners. This makes for a happier sex experience overall.
The belief that a partner can be sexually compatible with us is closely linked to our belief in soulmates. Marist Institute for Public Opinion found that more than 80% of respondents believed their partner was sexually compatible. 73% of people Believed in soulmates
To find a happy and fulfilling relationship, it can be detrimental to think there is one perfect person.
The book The Passion Paradox, authors Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness write, “Researchers have found that those who subscribe to a destiny belief system of love are more likely to end relationships when the first hint of conflict occurs; in essence, they decide, ‘This person must not be the one,’ and move on in search of someone who is the one.”
This thinking leads to a never-ending cycle of searching for the right partner for you, both emotionally and sexually.
Instead of being preoccupied with finding the perfect match for sexual and emotional intimacy, it’s better to focus on creating intimate bonds that work well for you.
Changes in Sexual Compatibility Over Time
Another reason why we shouldn’t focus on finding that perfect sexually compatible partner from the get-go is that our compatibility can change with time.
It’s great when you find a partner who is just like you at the beginning of a relationship, and you fully agree on what you like in bed. But just because you’re sexually compatible with your partner at the beginning of your relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’ll stay this way until the end of your days.
Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and sex expert. Creds that it happens because “in the early stages of a relationship, people are in the throes of passion. The sex is bound to be exciting because it’s a novelty for everyone, and those feelings of passion make everything more intense.”
Passion is a powerful thing. When it’s present in a relationship it makes it easy to be sexually compatible. When passion leaves the relationship (and it always does), then your sex life as a partner is no longer exciting.
Lehmiller suggests that, instead of focusing on compatibility in bed with your partner, you should look at what is different about them. He says, “Something you might want to look at in a new relationship beyond “is the sex good?” is whether your partner is willing and open to trying new things.”
By determining how willing your partner is to experiment and work on changing things up in bed, you can see whether you’re going to be able to maintain your sexual compatibility in the long term. Your libido, kinks, sexual fantasies all change with age, and so does your partner’s.
If you’re willing to both experiment and try new things, then passion will never leave your bedroom.
In fact studies report There is a positive outcome to your partner’s changing sexual preferences. People who were involved in sexual transformation experienced happier relationships and higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
So, instead of trying to find a sexually compatible partner, you might want to find a partner who’s willing to explore new things and is not afraid of change.
Work on being more sexually compatible with your partner
How can you make your partner more sexually compatible? These are some things that will help you increase your satisfaction in bed as well as in your relationship.
1. The Only Way to Improve Sexual Compatibility – Communication
Communication is crucial in many aspects of a relationship. People often ignore communication and look for more complex ways to resolve problems in their relationships or sex lives.
David W. Wahl, Ph.D. is a social psychologist and sex researcher. He believes communication is the best way to improve your sexual life. He writes, “There is only one sex tip you truly need, and it’s free. THE sex tip: Communicate. That’s it, open up and talk to your partner about what you do want, what you do not want, your sexual history, and what you feel about sex.”
Being open and honest with your partner about sexual preferences, turn-ons and insecurities can help you to be sexually compatible in bed.
It can eliminate awkward misunderstandings that can negatively affect your self-esteem or relationship.
Wahl suggests that you open the lines of communication with your partner slowly. He Writes, “Make a very simple declaration that you want to talk about sex openly—maybe something along the lines of “Can we agree to talk openly about what we want sexually?” This sets the stage to talk about it.”
When you are open to communication with your partner, it is possible to start being truthful and honest, build intimacy and get to know your partner.
Communication can also help you determine if your partner is open to trying new things and being flexible in sexual activities. This will allow you to decide if you are sexually compatible.
2. You can work on your comfort with yourself and your sexuality.
There are many different opinions about sex and sexuality. Most of this has to do with how we were raised. Hyman Says, “Ideas about sexuality are formed early on in a person’s life.”
Because of our differences in the way we were raised to see sex and our bodies, we tend to come by obstacles that make it difficult to communicate about sex and even fully enjoy everything we’re interested in with our partner.
It might be a good idea for you to examine your sexuality before you decide if someone is sexually compatible.
Masturbation This is a great opportunity to learn more about your body, pleasure and sexuality. Don’t shy away from doing the work yourself because it can help you establish a healthier sexual relationship with your partner.
3. Meet in the Middle
Different sex drives are one of the sexual compatibility issues couples face, and it’s an issue that can really make your relationship hard. It’s impossible to change your sex drive, and trying to force yourself or your partner to have less or more sex can be harmful.
However, just because your sex drives don’t match exactly, while everything else seems to click just fine, it doesn’t mean that you can’t try to work on your compatibility.
You could try to meet in the middle where both partners feel comfortable. You could, for example, try to find a middle ground between the partners with different sexual preferences. The partner with the higher sex drives might be able to solo-play and satisfy their sexual desire, instead of forcing them to have sex more frequently.
This eliminates the pressure off the relationship and the partner with the lower libido because there is nothing wrong with masturbating even if you’re in a relationship. It’s normal to have different sex drives, and understanding that can make a huge difference.
Leigh Noren is a sex therapist who specializes in libidos for men and women. Writes, “Acceptance isn’t about admitting defeat. It’s about recognizing and appreciating that there These are You may have differences. You can still work towards a sex life you both want while honoring that these differences exist and all that they entail.”
4. Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality
While it’s easy to focus on sex drives and how often you have sex with your partner when talking about sexual compatibility, it might be useful to look at it from a different angle.
Instead of measuring your compatibility with the other person in bed, use the Quantity Instead of focusing on all the activities, why not concentrate on the Qualitative Spend more time with your partner than you do alone?
This will help you relax, enjoy your sexy playtime with your partner, and build intimacy in your relationship.
When you’re together, make sure that you’re both fully present, focused on each other, and make the best out of your time together. It can make a big difference in your ability to be present and mindful while you have sex with your partner.
5. Look at what you can compromise on
It can be very difficult to find sexual compatibility if you like different things in your bed. But it doesn’t have to be.
It’s normal that you might have things that turn you on, but don’t do the same for your partner and vice versa. Here is where communication and the willingness to explore are key.
Some things can be worked out if it gives immense pleasure to one of you, but it’s not as important to the other one. If the sexual activity is comfortable and safe for you, then why not give it a go if it blows your partner’s mind?
Vanessa Marin is a sex therapist Writes, “Let’s say your partner loooooves performing oral sex on you, but you’re not the hugest fan. If you feel good allowing your partner to do it for their pleasure, that’s not a problem!”
Determine what things you’re comfortable experimenting with, communicate your thoughts and emotions with your partner and find the thing that works to satisfy you both. This is how long-term sexual compatibility can be achieved.
Karolina Wilde works as a writer about sexual wellness. Her work was published on The Ascent, P.S. Her work has been published on The Ascent, P.S. She can be found podcasting, reading or creating TikTok videos during her free time.