Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana and it’s time to talk about kinks! I got some really good questions from you that I can’t wait to answer them!
What is the shortest explanation for ‘kink’?
It’s always good to start with definitions! And the shortest one I can give you for kink is “an unusual or uncommon sexual interest.” That means statistically rare or deemed by a culture to be out of the ordinary.
Can you explain what the difference is between a kink or a fetish and how it works?
Kink and fetish are often used interchangeably, essentially giving “fetish” the same broad meaning as kink (which, as I mentioned, is an umbrella term for unusual or uncommon sexual interests).
But fetish can also be used in psychology to mean something more specific. It can refer to sexual fixation upon objects, bodily fluids, or non-sexual body parts. In order to be considered sexual fixation, the object or material must be present for someone to feel aroused or have orgasm.
What’s one of the most interesting fetishes you’ve come across?
This is a hard one for me to answer because I’m so non-judgemental when it comes to people’s desires that none of the kinks phase me. So I only have kinks that I myself can relate to and find hot, and others that I’m like “eh” or like “that’s kind of bizarre, but whatever floats your boat”.
My BF loves to slap me during fuck. I’m female. I agree. Thoughts? Do I seem odd?
You are so normal, girl. It’s so amazing what you have just described. Many people love to be slapped, or want to be slapped while being fucked. It’s actually not a very uncommon sexual fantasy even though we deemed it weird.
In our subsequent LELO IG poll, 62% of respondents said they’ve fantasized about being slapped during sex (with consent), and 44% said they’ve fantasized about slapping their partner during sex (with consent).
I’m gender queer (out) but have fantasies of being “forced” to dress slutty w/ a collar/leash
Yeah, people of all genders can have fantasies about being “forced” to crossdress as a different gender or in a way that they wouldn’t normally dress, like super slutty or something. Very common, very common and very hot.
In our IG Poll, 69% of respondents said they had fantasized about being “forced” to do something sexual that they supposedly didn’t want, but secretly did?
“Forced” fantasies can be really hot, but they need to be done safely with a partner we trust and have prenegotiated boundaries with.
I’m a girl who likes the idea of doing stuff with a girl, but I’m not interested in relationships with girls. Is this a sign that I am bisexual?
Although there are many people who are open to the idea of having same-sex with someone for sexual explorations, not enough to be in a long-term relationship, there are still many. Is that a sign you are bisexual? It does make you more open to your fantasies and desires. However, it is up to you whether you accept the bisexual label. There are many ways people can experience the same attraction, interests, or behavior and make sense of it in their own way.
IG Poll – Would you be open to having sex with your own sex/gender? 69% of respondents said yes
IG Poll: Would you consider yourself bisexual if you could have sex with the same-sex partner but not in relationships? 49% of respondents said yes
Why is it that people enjoy being hurt during sex?
That’s a complex question we don’t have a clear answer on. Some of it could be genetic predisposition. Others might result from early sexual experiences in the presence pain. Other times it could be sexual sensation seeking as an individual trait. It will be a different mix in different people…
My (only) ex had BDSM fetishes, and now I just want vanilla. Why?
I can’t tell you exactly why it happened to you. Many of our sexual preferences aren’t set in stone, and maybe even most. They change and evolve over the course of our lives, depending on what’s going on in our lives. Many of them are very partner-specific, which is normal.
Is it okay to visit a dungeon and only look at what’s happening there? Are you not yet ready to try something?
Absolutely! Most dungeons and other kink parties would be happy to have you come and just look, observe, soak it in, learn, and then come back and play when you’re ready. The organizers are well aware that not everyone can play immediately. Some people need to take their time. Take your time. And tell the organizers you’re new, they will usually show you around and make you feel welcome.
It’s amazing how texting the naughtiest stuff turns me on
IG Poll: Do you find texting infuriating? 85% answered yes
How do you share your most sensitive kinks with a partner.
Read and have your partner read Justin Lehmiller’s book Tell me what you want. Talk about it.
How can I teach my non-dominant partner the things that I love when being dominated?
Understanding that different people have different traits of dominance means that those at the low end might not have the personality and interest to be sexual dominants. Your partner must be there. There are many resources available to help you become a good dom. I can’t list all of them here, but one of my favorite ways, especially for newbies into kink, is the online course by my friend and partner, Kenneth PlayIt is amazing, I think.
What are some safe ways to meet people who want to explore kink or BDSM?
It will vary depending on where you live in the world. However, F is a great place to find many different events and communities.etLife, the “Facebook for kinky adults,” and from there you meet people. Do your research about the event you’re attending, bring a buddy, stay sober.
What turns me on can often make me anxious… thoughts?
That’s also common and perfectly normal. Unfortunately, the world we live in is one that shames and stigmatizes many sexual desires and kinks. We internalize this negativity which causes anxiety. These things can be new and scary. Play around with that anxiety, listen to it, work around it, but don’t let it run your life.
IG Poll: Do your thoughts turn you on sometimes? 60% answered yes
I like the sensation of sharp fingernails on my penis but my fiancee is scared she’ll hurt me
That’s pretty hot. This is a very low chance of permanent injury. So you just have to reassure your fiancee that you’ll be fine and that a couple of scratch marks that are gonna heal easily are just fine.
Thank you again for answering these great questions!
Audience submitted kinky fantasies
- I am tying my husband up and pegging them
- In the wild. A big, sexy, black car. I would internally combust
- I like to sit on my stomach and in my mouth
- As a man, a reverse bukakke!
- My wildest fantasies are seeing my man have sex with another girl in front me.
- Watching, me and two other men form a trio. Then we join forces.
- My partner and I can be tied up.
- Some of my hair was shaved
- For me it’s normal. It’s normal for me.
- My wife got me pegged and I then sucked off her strap-on Dildo. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
- Ass Play
- I’ve recently got interested in collars and the idea of ownership and having to do what my partner want
- Walked in on masturbating, the join, and so on until it’s this beautiful group orgy
- Threesome! FFM but me and another couple
- What my wife did as a cuck to me
- My guy wanted me to get down on a hitter girls while he fucked me (anal or otherwise).
- Female 19. Threesome with an older woman (mommy), and her husband (daddy), get spanked, degraded
- I love it when my partner uses a toy he controls. I love it when he takes over (dom vibes).
- I would love to see my partner have a sexy relationship with someone else.
- Public anywhere
- To reduce my aggression, I spank girls in a class.
- Threesome. My wife and I are now threesome.
- Make my partner a slave by attaching a chain around his neck
- My straight boyfriend is being fucked by a gay man
- I love having bi-friendly MFM threesome. I’m a bi male unicorn
- Watching my wife get…..
- Sniffing dirty underwear
- Being at the bottom end of a number 69 [on] I have a sex cushion that raises my head, hips and shoulders. Another woman fucking my. I am fucked by a strap-on. Another woman is fucked by me with a strap. So I’m having my face sat on, I feel her weight on my body, I feel her pleasure, I get violated, I get pleasured, and once I orgasm I don’t care if she smothers me unconscious
- I want my man forced to fuck with me
- Gang bang
- Church abandoned [altar]Restrained, yet a delight
- I have a nursing/breastkink. I love the idea. [two] People sucking my nipples once
- Golden shower
- BBC Gangbang
- I want to be broken into and fucked while I’m asleep
- Anal sex, sex with her tits, and a double blowjob
- Two men enter while you are attached
Zhana Vargalova, PhD is a NYC-based sex researcher. She studies casual, nonmonogamy, sexual orientation, and other forms of sex. She has a PhD in Developmental Psychology, Cornell University. She also teaches Human Sexuality on New York University. She currently writes a book and provides daily sex education via Periscope live streaming.
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