This is Dr. Zhana, and I’m glad to meet you all! It’s time for a monthly Q&A! Since May is masturbation month, that’s what we are going to talk about. And there are so many good questions that you’ve asked. I can’t wait to answer them all. We are off!
It’s not shameful to masturbate, right?
This is actually a good place to begin! It is not shameful for masturbate to be done. The saddest thing about masturbation is the number of people who believe it is unacceptable. This pervasive attitude stigmatizes and pathologizes a practice that’s perfectly healthy, natural, and normal.
Is masturbation a barrier to having sex with others?
No. Masturbation can be used to get to know yourself, your body, and what will get you to orgasm. You can then use those techniques to get more partner sex. Most vagina owners don’t actually orgasm simply from the in and out vaginal penetration. To orgasm, they need external clitoral stimuli. Masturbation will prepare you to understand the best external clitoral stimuli. This is how many vaginal masturbate.
Are squirting and orgasm the same thing?
Squirting is not an act of orgasm. It’s literally the physical expulsion of liquid from the genito-urinary tract of vagina owners. So just because someone is squirting, does not necessarily mean they’re orgasming. You could sometimes squirt and not enjoy it, or feel discomfort. People squirting is often also known as orgasming. Both can go hand in hand. But don’t always.
Is it possible to climax in a matter of seconds using a vibrator?
Except in very rare situations, there is a good chance that you won’t be able to orgasm with your partner within seconds. So if that’s your expectation for how sex should go, then yes, I guess your expectations could affect your sex life negatively. The beauty and wonder of partnered sex is more than just the speed of the cumming. And that’s something that your vibrator practices are not going to affect in any way. Go for it.
Still trying to figure it out Sona Cruise 2. Do I hover it in front of the clitoris
Sona toys are a different type of toy. It can take some time to get used to it. You don’t just hover it over the clit; you literally press the toy against your body, with the clit kind of fitting inside the opening. It then sends out these sonic vibrations that pulse through you. That experience feels really powerful and amazing and it’s very different from the way regular vibrators work. The Sona is my favorite toy. It’s one of my favorite toys ever.
What are some tips to make you squirt more? Just something I’d like to experience if I can.
One of the most reliable ways to get someone to quirt is to stimulate their g-spot in that “come hither” motion. So you can try that with your hand or you can use one of LELO’s g spot vibratorsThe Ina Wave and the Soraya are examples. Also, I’ve actually been getting a lot of reports of people squirting using the Sona. These pulsating, sonic waves are pure fucking magic.
Is semen retention a myth?
Semen retention can be defined as the practice of avoiding sexual ejaculating. This could include avoiding sex entirely, having sex but no cumming, or learning how to orgasm safely without ejaculating. It’s not a myth. That’s a thing you can do, you can retain semen. Proponents claim that it has all sorts of mental, physical, and spiritual benefits, but there’s not a lot of research to suggest whether these claims are true or not. A couple of small studies found increased levels of testosterone in men after a week or so of abstinence, but that’s all the scientific evidence we have at this point.
Is it normal for a woman aged 34 to never have an orgasm? I’ve had sexual partners but still never experienced one.
It’s unfortunately fairly common in women in particular, in our culture. It can be difficult to get past the stigmatization and shame, and lack of education and encouragement. If you’re someone who has never had an orgasm, my recommendation would not be to try and do it with a partner. Especially if you don’t have the most amazing, caring, attentive, and skilled partner, which many people don’t, again due to the lack of education I just mentioned. I strongly suggest trying to achieve this through masturbation because that’s going to allow you to try lots of different things, get to know your body, and take away the pressure to perform for someone else.
Is lifelong anxiety related to not being motivated to masturbate or is it?
There’s actually remarkably little research on the connection between anxiety and masturbation. However, research has shown that masturbation is associated with higher levels of anxiety in women.
What should my foreskin do when I’m masturbating You can pull it back. You can leave it.
It all depends on what you feel is best for you. The foreskin is used by most uncircumcised men I know to masturbate with or pull it back a bit. Some men will pull the foreskin all the way down, then jerk off with exposed glans. This is similar to how it would feel and look if you had a circumcised penis. Both are possible. You decide what feels the best. There is no “correct” way to do this. Again, as we have been discussing this episode, it’s about getting to know your body.
Is there an alternative to masturbation? Do you have any tips?
Thank you for asking! I love anal play, and I’m a big proponent of incorporating it into masturbation, as well as partnered play. I especially love when heterosexual men are not afraid to admit they’re curious, interested in, or enjoy anal play. I’d say start small, with a single finger or a tiny butt plug and LOTS of lube, and see what feels good. Explore… And then slowly add more depth, more girth, maybe a second finger, slightly bigger butt plug, and so on.
One of my all-time favorite anal vibrators, if you want vibration in there (and you should try it, it’s amazing!) is LELO’s Billy because it’s not very large, it’s barely 2 fingers thick, so it’s perfect for beginners.
How can I store my sex toys where no one will find them, but also where they are easily accessible? Do you have any tips?
This makes me sad, because it reminds of how many people feel they must hide their toys. Maybe a safe with a fingerprint-lock under your bed could work?
It’s okay! This is all for today. I hope you found this useful. I hope you’re also staying healthy and sane during this insane time. I’ll be back next month to answer more of your questions.
Zhana Vargalova, PhD is a NYC-based sex researcher. She studies casual, nonmonogamy, sexual orientation, and other forms of sex. She has a PhD in Developmental Psychology, Cornell University. She also teaches Human Sexuality on New York University. She currently writes a book and provides daily sex education via Periscope live streaming.
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