Let’s get going by naming some of the myths I hear around womanhood and sex: that you should have pain when you have sex, that you should be able to orgasm through penetration alone, that squirting is pee, that all women have vulvas, that if you’re not wet you’re not enjoying sex or if you are wet you are enjoying sex, that you should be able to orgasm in just aa few minutes that you if you can’t there’s something wrong with your body or that sex is only good if you’re having an orgasm.
What happens if sex is not allowed?
I want to state that not all sex is penetrative but I think for the purpose of this question, I’m going to assume the asker means the first time you have penetrative sex with a penis. There are many ways to help prepare your body for penetrative sex with a penis, such that it doesn’t hurt and in fact, it shouldn’t have to hurt the first time you have sex. Start by prepping your body using objects and parts smaller than a penis. So fingering — either your own fingers or your partner’s fingers — or even a dildo that’s a smaller size. Use lube. Make sure to use lots of lube. That’s going to be your best friend during penetrative sex. Finally, take it slow. And be sure that you’re having penetrative sex for the first time who is willing to listen to you, who is willing to stop and take a pause if you need it because the first time you have sex should not have to be painful.
A sign that something is wrong is pain during sex. You may need to use more lube, or change sex positions. It could also mean there are internal or biological problems. Some medical conditions can lead to sexual pain. Sexual pain can also be caused by anxiety and trauma. So if you’re experiencing sexual pain, don’t let anyone invalidate you by telling you it’s normal. You do deserve help. Talking to a trusted doctor or gynecologist is a good idea to help determine if the pain is psychological, medical, or behavioral.
Can I still identify as asexual?
Like any other type of sexuality, asexuality can shift and change throughout life. But it’s important that we don’t use that information to invalidate folks who are experiencing asexuality by telling them it’s a phase or telling them they can change it. It can change over time but we can’t just will our sexuality change.
Are you able to stretch out your sex by doing a lot?
Like any muscle, the vagina can contract or expand. It can be expanded to allow for penetration or giving birth. But it can also contract. So it’s actually a myth that the size of your vagina is directly associated with the amount of sex you’ve had.
I often criticize my man and he doesn’t reciprocate. Does this mean he doesn’t like me?!
If you’re doing down on your man during sex and he’s not going down on you it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you, it probably means he doesn’t like giving you oral sex. And I do think if it’s making you question how you feel about yourself or your body. You should have the space to say hey, I go down on you, you don’t go down on me, what is that about? Because it feels like you don’t care about me and I’m not OK with that. And if you’re not OK with that imbalance and he’s still not OK going down on you you don’t have to continue going down on him. It’s not a tit-for-tat relationship. Or if he’s still not willing to go down on you and that’s something that is important to you in a sexual partner then it is potentially worth reevaluating the relationship.
Is it wrong that I like being dominated sexually.
It doesn’t matter if you are dominant or submissive at bedtime. My clients who are most submissive in bed are often the most powerful, dominant people in their workplaces or in other areas of their lives. Don’t let being dominated make you feel weak or unworthy.
And you’re being dominated in a consensual way then the person being submissive should have quite a lot of power in the dynamic. You have the power of saying no, slowing down and using a safe word. A dom-sub relationship does not mean that any one of its members should be powerless. You are creating power dynamics, not real power dynamics.
It’s true that there’s nothing inherently submissive about being a woman or being femininity but that myth is pervasive in the bedroom. It’s true that we express our femininity by types of submission but there is nothing inherently masculine about topping, nothing inherently masculine about being dominant.
Consider all the women in your life that are a model of power and dominance. Think about the bosses in you life. I want you to channel those people during sex if you think you can only be feminine if you’re being submissive.
For all those men out there who want to explore their femininity during sex, I want you to think about all the messages you’ve received about what makes masculine sex. Are you making the right sounds during sex? It could be a top. Is it a person doing the penetration You can then explore what it would look like to turn this on its head. Have you been taught that you can’t make pitched sounds during sex, try making high-pitched sounds during sex. You were taught that you cannot be a man while you are topping? If so, then you should try bottoming. If you’ve been taught that you can only be a man while doing penetration trying being pegged. Think about these different myths that you’ve learned, flip them around and explore.
I’m a queer femme, is there something wrong with me that I enjoy pegging?
We associate certain sexual acts as being masculine, feminine, queer, or straight. In reality, sex acts can be non-binary. All genders are allowed to enjoy sexual acts. There is nothing wrong with you if you like pegging as a queer woman.
What is squirting pee?
Oh, y’all we could do a whole FAQ on squirting! These are the most common myths about squirting:
- Squirting isn’t pee. It’s actually a mixture of fluids that come from a gland called the skene’s gland.
- All people with a vagina are not the same.
- Squirting and having an orgasm are two different things. You might squire when you’re having an orgasm, you might squire when you’re not having an orgasm.
- The topic is still undergoing a lot research. Research currently suggests that between 10-50% can ejaculate. That’s not a very clear number. So, you’re normal if you can squirt, you’re normal if you can’t squirt.
I am a queer-identified therapist and consultant who combines evidence-based research and systemic business coaching to cultivate powerful relationships – with your clients, your relationships, and yourself. I am a specialist in gender diversity and work with individuals, couples, and institutions to increase limited mindsets, foster courageous behavior and enable meaningful change around sexuality and gender.