It might surprise you that it’s not “Boobs. Boobs. BOOBS.” There are many things that are going through a man’s mind while he’s making love–and yes, there’s a good chance he’s fantasizing about someone or something else. And that’s okay, because you’re probably doing it too!
What is he thinking during sex?
While making love, a man’s mind can be racing with any number of thoughts. And while to the outside observer it might even look like his mind is at a complete blank, you can rest assured that he’s thinking at least one (if not all) of the following things–which may surprise you to learn are not explicitly related to the task at hand.
“Am I doing it right?”
This pervasive thought occurs no matter who is having it, and at the very least shows a willingness to please their partner. However it is worth remembering that to be in the position to be having this thought, one must have done something right in the first place (as you are in bed, with a partner, in an intimate situation–so give yourself some credit).
When this thought arises, that’s a good indication that partners need to be able to communicate clearly on their sexual needs. Even something as simple as “Right there” or “Slower” is all the direction it can take for a partner to get out of their own head and more fully into the moment.
“Is he/she/they going to come?”
A man might wonder if what they’re doing is going to be enough to get their partner over the edge and into climax, which in most ways is a continuation of the “Am I doing it right?” thought from previous. This thought also shows a willingness to please, but at the same time, we would tell this man that, to a point, one’s own climax is their own responsibility.
To explain: Partners will help each other to get into the right place in which climax is attainable, through things like foreplay and stimulating their partners in the ways they enjoy. However, a partner cannot demand that their S.O. gives them an orgasm. Partners need to take ownership of their own pleasure–it’s not selfish to do so, and guarantees that both parties come away satisfied.
“Don’t come. Don’t come. Don’tcomedontcomedontcomedontcomedontcome.”
Some guys, if dealing with things like premature ejaculation or just really feeling themselves and enjoying the experience, may be worried about reaching orgasm too quickly and thus ending the intimacy. It bears repeating though that sex doesn’t end with your orgasm. Even after one partner reaches climax, they can continue to assist their partner in achieving theirs. When with a female partner, don’t be surprised if they happen to finish themselves off by using a vibrator or sex toy.
Any guy who worries about coming too soon can always speak up and say that they’re about to bust and whether they should slow down or focus on their partner’s needs for a bit. As with most things, good sex requires communication.
“I’m fantasizing about someone else–is that okay?”
Yes, he’s very likely among the vast majority of men who report fantasizing about another person or situation during lovemaking. However, he’s likely not the only one, as women will also fantasize during sex, at rates only slightly less than men do. In a 1990 study of 178 men and women, 84% claimed to fantasize during sex.
This is by no means a problem though, as long as partners can be honest with themselves and not carry guilt about their own fantasies. The same 1990 study found that those who harbored guilt about these totally natural fantasies reported less sexual satisfaction. Partners who talk openly about what they fantasize about (with some candor, of course) can actually enjoy better sex, as it lets each person into the other’s sexual world.
Colin Hanna is a Volonté contributor and freelance writer who lives in Shanghai, China with his wife. He’s written extensively about sex and human sexuality for LELO since 2010.